This blog is about me. And about how I have felt about God in the 9 years since the accident. And about the church weekend. Three subjects that are somehow connected – this blog could be a mess.
I have always believed in prayer. The prayer meeting has been my home since I became a Christian back in the mid 1970s. For the last 9 years I have been attending in silence. Not in a Quaker way of waiting in silence, but finding it near impossible to pray, just sitting there bored. I can’t pray in public.
Except that I can. I can lead intercessions in the Sunday morning service, having prepared the prayers before hand. I pray alone as I write and collect them, pray again as I edit then down, and then pray them again in the congregation. In private though my prayer time is short, a few minutes here and a few minutes there. Before the accident I sometimes had difficulty keeping my private prater time to under 30 minutes. Now getting up to 3 minutes is hard. Focussing on pain keeps your mind off God, as does wallowing in self pity.
I have felt like giving up Holy Trinity several times over the last 9 years, mostly in the first 6 years since the accident, but each time I have felt this way the then Vicar’s wife (that is the wife of the then Vicar, none of our Vicars have had more than one) came to me after the service and said how I was appreciated, which led me to rethink my decision. I’m sill here, it is as if God wont let me go.
Now we have another Vicar. And the church was away on a weekend in the Lake District between 12th and 14th June. It was here that someone said words of encouragement to me, the same thing that Sharon, the previous Vicars wife, had been saying. This was oneof those things that make you go Hmm moments
Then there was the worship. The weekend was led by people from St Thomas’s, Lancaster. The worship times were good, but a lot of the songs had pie in the sky verses. I’m not a fn of these.
Take Amazing Grace.
The last verse seems detached from the rest of the song to me. It is all about how good it will be in heaven. I’m struggling here on earth, I need something other than escapism to help me through. I like that song. A lot. an earlier verse talks about grace bringing us through dangers toils and snares. Which is where I am, trusting God and hanging on.
At the Church weekend we sang Amazing Grace. I was pondering the above whilst singing, the dangers and toils verse did its work, I now God can be trusted. Then came the following verse. The first line stood out. £The Lord has promised good to me.” This time it was personal. It was like hearing God actually promising good directly to me. One of those things that make you go Hmm moments
It is like a crisis has been aproaching over the last few months.
April 19. In his sermon Vicar Mike asked where are we going, both personally and as a church. The week after my wife Linda and I were at a different Church. We were celebrating our wedding anniversary and were away in Ludlow. When on holiday from Huddersfield we tend to take a holiday from Anglicanism also. We went to the Elim Pentecostal place. Here part of the same sermon was preached, where are we going both individually and as a church. It was one of those things that make you go Hmm moments.
So I am confident that God has a plan for Holy Trinity, Huddersfield, And that there is a place for me in that plan. What that place is I do not now, I am not in the leadership and it is not my place to decide. But here’s to more things to make me go Hmm.